


A Lit Torch To The Woodpile

by glasscanonlyspill



Category: Pitch Perfect (2012)
Genre: Ashley's POV, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-05-07
Packaged: 2017-12-05 20:57:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glasscanonlyspill/pseuds/glasscanonlyspill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, you need someone to come and find you when you're hiding. You need them to ignite your woodpile and set your life on fire. Ashley spent the longest time unaware that she was heading towards Jessica with a lit torch, and when she eventually let the flames engulf them, their lives finally made more sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Drop

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not one for leaving a lot of notes at the start of each chapter, but I needed to say something here, at The Beginning.
> 
> I want to give a huge shout out to [Jay](http://siroswins.tumblr.com/), [Brooke](http://beca-beale.tumblr.com/), and [Alecks](http://sendricamp.tumblr.com/) first and foremost. It was reading their Jessica/Ashley fics that I began to flesh out my own headcanon, and ultimately, they are the reason this fic even exists. A lot of my factual/biographical elements are taken/adapted from what they've written, and I am eternally grateful. Go and read their stuff. They are a credit to the fandom.
> 
> Also, [Sarah](http://recallthelove.tumblr.com) is a wonderful human, and is quite possibly the best sounding board I've ever had. She's keeping me sane throughout this process, and is just loads of help. Go read her stuff too. It's way better than mine.
> 
> This isn't going to be a "traditional" multi-chapter, in so far as it is not strictly linear - although, I am going to date each part. Think of this more as a series of long one-shots, all set in the same verse. The verse is the same as that of my other fic, You Were Nineteen (in case you were interested), but you don't honestly need to have read it.
> 
> Okay, so I've said enough here. I'm just gonna ... yeah. I hope this satisfies your need for Jessley feelings.

**SOPHOMORE YEAR -- NEW YEAR’S EVE (2013/14) //**

I fiddled with the cuffs of my shirt, more nervous than I had ever been before. I was going to tell her. I was. _Honestly_. The words were just stuck in the back of my throat. Ironic, for an English student, that I was struggling with being able to express something. I'd probably have laughed, in better circumstances, but I couldn't focus on anything but the racing of my pulse, thumping near my ears.

“Ash, what is it? You can't just say 'I need to tell you something' and then become decidedly mute.”

“I know, I … Sorry. It's not exactly – fuck. Jessica.” A breath, a pause. Sweaty hands. _You can do this, Ashley_. Inhale. _Three words_. Go. “I love you. I'm _in love_ with you. There. I said it.”

“I … Ashley, I’m not -- I’m not gay.”

“I know. Neither am I.”

“Then what are …” Jessica trailed off, not sure how to finish in a way that accurately conveyed her lack of understanding.

“I don’t know. I’m not really attracted to people because of gender -- sure, I can acknowledge the aesthetic of just about anyone, but it doesn’t go much further than that. I find myself attracted to people because of who they are - gender identity isn't what I focus on. My sexuality is not really the point though, Jess.”

“I don’t --”

“I know. I’m sorry I’ve just sprung this on you, but for the better part of ten years, you’ve been my everything. I love you. I just figured it was about time I told you.”

“For how long?”

“Uh --” I knew she’d ask me that. Jessica likes facts, and numbers, and concrete time frames in which to work. It calms her. I wanted to lie to her, tell her “ _Not that long”_ ; I was insecure, worried that this would cause her to run despite our seemingly solid foundation. Feelings can ruin even the strongest of structures. She’d see it in my face though. I’m an awful liar, and Jess can see through me at the best of times. “Junior prom.”

“Ah. Of course.” Suddenly her face was awash with realisation. I shouldn’t have been surprised, really. Jessica always was more perceptive than me.

It was true though. I realised that I likely felt more than just friendship for Jessica in our junior year, two and half years ago. A boy from her physics class asked her to prom - I think his name was Brian, maybe. It’s not really important. We hadn’t been planning on going - neither of us had expected to be asked by anyone, and _Brian_ really knocked us for six. When she told me she was going to go, I was … not devastated, but definitely a bit put out. I convinced myself that she was just saying yes out of guilt and obligation, that she couldn’t bring herself to turn him down. Or maybe she was just trying to save a bit of face after the fiasco with Jared. Either way, it didn’t really make me feel any better about the whole thing. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? I know now that I was just jealous: Brian was getting to take Jess to prom, and I wasn't even going. That wasn't what bothered me specifically, the whole prom thing. I couldn't have given less of a shit about prom if I'd tried. It was him getting to spend time with her that pissed me off.

It all worked out in my favour, though - not that I orchestrated the situation; I'd never dream of doing something like that. I ended up ill the day or so before prom - some sort of chest infection, which totally sucked - and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself the day of. My parents were out of town (pre-planned weekend away; I wasn't about to let them cancel because of me), and Jess got wind of the fact I was going to be on my own. I'm still convinced that my mother told her to keep an eye on me while they were gone. I didn't expect her to take it so literally though.

I had spent all day curled up in bed, watching re-runs of Grey's Anatomy with only my snotty tissues for company. I was pretty much resigned to the fact that the highlight of my night was going to be the ice-cream my dad left in the freezer for me. That's why I was so shocked when Jessica arrived at my house that night, a little after seven pm.

My bedroom door opened, and Jess wordlessly made her way across my room. She climbed into my bed, still in her prom dress.  "Look at the state of you, Ash," she laughed, gesturing to the slew of tissues hidden in my duvet. I looked up at her and offered a slight smile; the look in her eyes said _"Don't. I'll tell you later"_. She could tell I wanted to ask her why she wasn't at prom. Instead, I sighed, content to nestle into her collar bone as she placed her arm across my shoulders.

"You're going to crumple your dress."

"I don't care."

When I woke with a start at about one am, I realised we'd accidentally dozed off. Jessica’s body was warm beside me, and I was reluctant to wake her - she looked so peaceful and calm, so beautiful. My slight movements must have done enough to disturb her though, and she turned to face me, slowly opening her eyes.

“Hey, sleepy.”

“Ash, what time is it?”

“A little after one.”

“Christ.”

Jess rolled onto her back, wrapping the duvet around her legs, leaving my lower half uncovered. The cold air caused me to bristle, and I felt the goosebumps rise on my skin. She saw me shiver, and promptly clambered out of bed, re-laying the duvet over my body.

“I’m just going to put on pyjamas.” She left a beat before continuing. “You can ask me now, if you want.”

I sat there for a few moments, silent as I watched her go through my drawer for an oversized t-shirt and some shorts. I had to make a conscious effort to avert my gaze as she removed her dress and folded it neatly. I decided to focus on my words.

“Why didn’t you go to prom, Jess?” I eventually asked, my eyes still fixed on my hands in my lap. I didn’t look up again until I felt the dip in the mattress caused by her returning to bed. Jessica wrapped her hands around mine, and our eyes met again. It felt like we sat there for an eternity. I was hyper-aware of my heartbeat, of the ticking of my clock, of the hairs rising on the back of my neck, of my pulsating veins.

At the time I thought it was just my infection getting the better of me. Hindsight tells me it was nerves.

"I didn't want to. Not really."

"But, you ... I thought -- Brian?"

"You're ill." She said it so simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Truth is, I didn't have a clue, not immediately.

She motioned for us to lie down proper. I curled onto my side, and Jessica slotted her body in next to mine, like we always did. I'm slightly taller than Jess, but for some reason we fit more comfortably when she's the big spoon. It defies my logic, but I'm not going to fight it.

It was as she wrapped her left arm around my neck, gently grasping my shoulder, that it hit me. It was as she exhaled, her breath warm on my skin. It was as she placed her other hand on my hipbone, and as she whispered in my ear. "You're more important to me than any boy, than a stupid dance. You needed me, and I knew I should have been here earlier than I was." That's when it hit me.

I was in love with her. I had turned into a high school cliché, and fallen for my best friend - my only friend. I wanted to say I had no idea how it happened, but that would be a lie. Being in such close proximity to someone, and having them tell you just how much you mean to them, that can really make you stop and take a look at yourself.

Suddenly, everything made more sense to me. It is plausible to attribute being protective over someone to simply caring about them and being their friend. Similarly, when you want to spend almost all of you time with them, that’s probably fair enough too, right? You’re friends for a reason - hanging out loads is kind of the point. And bringing them their favourite muffin on a Saturday morning because you know they are awful at remembering to eat breakfast at the weekend, that’s normal too right?

I allowed myself all of those things without once thinking that it could mean something more. But as Jessica softly spoke, and I thought to myself, _"I don't think I could ever be without you"_ , I was assaulted by the unavoidable change in my perception. This was no longer best friendship. There were feelings involved - actual, tangible, romantic feelings.

 _Shit_.

"Ash, you okay?"

 _Shit_. I hadn't meant to say that out loud. _Quick, deflect_. "Yeah. Just … ice-cream. Go to sleep." Of all the things I could have thought about, my stupid brain jumped to the tub of ice-cream in the freezer. Could I have said anything more ridiculous? Probably not, now that I think about it. Jess likely doesn’t even remember. I shouldn’t worry about it.

I never did eat that ice-cream, though.

Jessica's steady voice brought me back to the present. She hadn't said anything while I'd been thinking. Maybe she was recounting prom night too. I wondered if she looked at with the same fondness that I did.

"It's nearly midnight."

I glanced at my watch. Sixty seconds until the drop. I didn't really know what to say in response, and blurted out, “Are we gonna be okay?”

Jessica didn’t say anything immediately, and my heart sank. My worst fears were being realised right before my eyes. She was going to tell me “ _No”_ , I was going to lose my best friend, lose my love, and I was going to have to transfer schools. Or something equally dramatic.

“Calm down, Ash. I know you’re stressing.” Her voice soothed me, and she took my hand, circling the palm with her thumb. It’s the little things, isn’t it? That’s what makes falling in love with someone that bit more inevitable. The way they know exactly how to retract your spikes and lower your heart rate. It should have been so obvious that Jess was going to be my person.

I wasn’t expecting the soft kiss on the cheek, though. That was new. Very new. I looked over at her as she slowly retreated, and she just smiled at me. There was no fear in her eyes, no malice. “Happy New Year, Ashley.”

And there was the drop.

 

 


	2. Aftermath

**SOPHOMORE YEAR -- THE ICCAs (2013/14) //**

“Ashley, I can’t do this.”

“Jess --” I moved to take her hands in mine, but Jessica wouldn’t stop pacing. She was stressed, nervous - I hadn’t seen her like this in a while; probably not since we were waiting to hear back about our college applications.

I slowly stood up from my perch on an amplifier, and moved towards her. Cautiously, I placed my hands on her shoulders, and turned Jess to face me.

“Hey, hey. Take a deep breath, okay?”

She took a moment, and finally nodded, exhaling loudly. “Yeah, I’ll be alright. Just nerves, you know?” She offered me a smile, but I could tell it wasn’t entirely genuine - a brave face, for me.

“Jessica, you’re going to be great.” I took the opportunity to slip one of my hands around hers, and brushed a couple of stray hairs from the side of her face. “I know that you’re worried - I’m not surprised, with all the work that you, Cynthia Rose, and Stacie put into this number. But, I’ve got faith in you, in us, and in this group, okay? We’re going to be _a-ca-awesome_.”

Jess laughed, albeit quietly. “I can’t believe you just said that. I think Chloe and Aubrey are the only people who don’t sound totally ridiculous ‘a-ca-fying’ words.”

“Yeah, well, I wanted to make you smile. Worked, didn’t it?”

“It did.” It was a simple acknowledgement, but it was enough. That was her way of telling that I was helping, without explicitly saying as much. She didn’t need to spell it out. I knew Jess inside out - it was kind of expected that I could read between her lines.

“I’m serious though, Jay. You and Stacie did an awesome job with the choreography - it’s definitely way more complex than last year’s routine, but we’ve got it down, okay? We’re a slick, streamlined, athletically superior a cappella group, and that’s because of you.” I emphasised the last word with a finger pressed softly to her chest.

Our second year in the Bellas was markedly different from our first. Without Aubrey and Chloe, things were a bit aimless to begin with. We were leaderless and totally unproductive; luckily, we fumbled through the audition process and found two great replacements. I suppose that’s what happens when you have the reputation an ICCA trophy provides to fall back on.

Eventually, Cynthia-Rose took control, with support from Stacie and Jessica. Cynthia-Rose provided the musical creativity - I had no idea that she had an ear for arranging. It wasn’t quite in the same vein as the sort of mixing that Beca did, but it was definitely more interesting than “The Sign” meets “Eternal Flame”. Where we really began to shine, though, was in our choreography.

Stacie’s background in dance and gymnastics gave us a really solid foundation to work from, and our two new girls - Rebecca and Emily - drew from their experience as high school cheerleaders. Everything became more complex as we added an aerial dynamic. The three of them were doing back flips and somersaults, and the rest of us quickly learned how to catch and provide support. In hindsight, it’s a miracle we actually managed to sing _and_ pull off the routine. I’m pretty sure we were doing more cardio than even Aubrey could have coped with.

I hadn’t expected Jessica to get involved in the choreography, but it seemed almost natural for her. It was something I had never seen in her before, this assured air of forethought and control. She left the actual piecing together of dance moves to Stacie, but she had a great sense of vision. While Stacie was in amongst the group, making sure we were turning the right way and moving our arms properly, Jess was stood at the back of the hall, scrutinising the routine as a whole. If someone needed to be a few steps to the left, or if something just didn’t look right, Jessica noticed it and suggested a change.

Watching her discuss things with Stacie, making decisions, I had this overwhelming sense of pride. I knew that it wasn’t easy for her, stepping out of her comfort zone like that. She was putting her name to something, taking responsibility for part of a performance that countless people would see. It was the contrast that got me, the sheer significance of her change. I still saw Jessica when she was at her most vulnerable: the night before an exam, or trying to finish a math lab, becoming crippled by the pressure, reliving the trauma she felt in that pre-calculus class back in high school. During rehearsal, she was calm and confident, and it made me really happy seeing her feel able to push past that anxiety.

Still, nerves catch up to the best of us, don’t they?

“What if it all goes wrong, Ash? It’ll be my fault. I can’t handle that. I thought I could, but I can’t, and I just want to go curl up and hide and - argh!”

“Come here, Jay.” I cautiously pulled her towards me, and tightly wrapped my arms round her  body. One hand lightly rested at the nape of her neck, and I whispered in her ear, “Nothing’s going to go wrong, okay? And even if it did, it would not be your fault. I wish I could help you realise that.”

I moved to loosen off my grip, but Jessica shook her head and strengthened our hug, keeping our bodies close. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Ashley,” Jess eventually mumbled.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I replied, simply. It was the truth.

After a few minutes of silence, Jessica carefully peeled herself away and gave me a small smile. “I can do this,” she assured me, nodding.

I grinned back at her, took her hand in mine, and we left to join the rest of our group. Everything seemed a little less daunting. Well, almost everything.

\---

Waiting for the results was tortuous in comparison to the previous year. There was all of this expectation, you know? _Can the all-girl group do it two years on the bounce or are they just a novelty, a one hit wonder?_ I felt so much more invested, too - I wanted to win so badly, to prove that we still had what it took to be champions.

We huddled together as a group, patiently waiting to see where we’d placed. As the announcements were made, I felt my stomach drop. Third place went to the Trebles. I hadn't seen that coming at all. If they had only made third, we couldn't have had a hope in hell. Some group from a California university took the runner up spot. Everything after that was a bit of blur. The over-exaggerated wait before the MC revealed the name of the winning group was what did me in. I couldn't focus on anything apart from Jessica's arm around my waist, steadying me.

Suddenly, everything erupted around me. I don't remember actually hearing the words being said, but it was us. We had won, again. The girls screamed, a mix of revelry and triumph. Denise pulled me into a quick hug, before Amy forcibly lifted me off the ground into an embrace. I absent-mindedly shared a fist-bump with Lilly, distracted. I'd been separated from Jessica in the chaos, and my eyes tried to meet hers. I really just wanted to throw my arms around her, but she was in animated conversation with Stacie. I offered her a small smile and enthusiastic thumbs up, and Jess bounded towards me.

“Ash, we did it. We won!” Jessica was beaming as she grabbed both my hands and pulled me round in an ecstatic and unbalanced twirl.

“I know, babe, you were so good - we all were.”

Jessica didn’t respond immediately. I thought nothing of it until she dropped my hands, and I looked up at her face. _Shit_. I hadn’t meant to say that. New Year’s Eve hadn’t been a total disaster, considering I’d told her I was in love with her, but the expression on her face clearly told me we were not in a position where I could just casually call her “babe”, even if it had been an accident. _Shit_. “Jess, I’m sorry - it just slipped out, and --”

She stepped forward and placed a finger to my lips, cutting me off. My eyes flickered around her face, desperately searching for some sort of indication as to how this was going to go. Jess looked calm, but I just couldn’t tell if there was any anxiety or anger lurking underneath. My stomach dropped as she took a laboured breath.

“Ashley, don’t apologise, okay? It’s fine. I get it, I do.”

“Do you?” My tone wasn’t aggressive; I was genuinely curious. We hadn’t talked about New Year - at all. I had wanted to, so many times, but I’d just clam up and freeze, agonising over word choice. There really is no easy way to ask someone how they feel about an impromptu declaration of love. So, we never discussed it, and I hadn’t realised how nervous about it I was until that moment. There were endless possibilities as to what she could have said in response. Ever the pessimist, I braced myself for the worst.

“Yes. I do.”

“Why --” I didn’t even know what I was going to ask her. It just seemed better to say something than let the silence linger.

“Because, Ashley, I love you too.”

“What?” _Did … Did she really?_ I suddenly became very conscious of our public setting, and my eyes darted around to the rest of the group. Everyone was still in the midst of celebration - not paying any attention to us, but we were about to be ushered off stage. I noticed some stage hands hovering in the wings. There wasn’t a lot of time. “Are you -- What are you saying?"

“Exactly what you think I’m saying. But … we should probably go back to our room. To talk.”

She added the last two words somewhat unnecessarily, but I simply nodded in agreement. I briefly considered saying a few hasty goodbyes; Jessica grabbed my hand and pulled me off the stage before I had the chance to. I’ve got no idea if anyone noticed us leaving. If I’m honest, though, I quickly stopped caring. I had bigger problems, you know?

We left Lincoln Centre and walked the block back to the hotel in silence. It wasn’t awkward, though. Jessica took my hand again, but this time it wasn’t to lead me away, and it wasn’t our usual friendly hand-holding. The way Jess laced her fingers around mine and gripped a little tighter, it was different. Definitely not like anything I’d felt before.

My palm was sweaty, and I wanted to let go, conscious of how uncomfortable it likely felt for her, but Jessica only gave me a reassuring squeeze as my fingers wriggled. I exhaled loudly as we rode the lift five floors up, still unsure of myself, and of what was to come. We had to acknowledge that something was going to change. I hoped it wasn’t going to break us; I couldn’t bear thinking about what life without Jess would be like.

Jessica produced our room key from a pocket, somewhere; I have no idea how she kept it safe while we performed. She liked the responsibility of looking after things, and I was so disorganised - I'd probably have lost it. How she put up with my haphazard fumbling, I’ll never know. I don’t really believe in all that “opposites attract”, ying and yang bullshit, but there’s definitely some merit in being suited to people who balance out your own personal brand of crazy-whatever.

I’m a bit of a mess. Not mentally, or anything. Just, logistically, I guess. I’m untidy, inefficient, and always running late. And Jessica is the opposite. She’s serene, if a little bit compulsive, and flawlessly meticulous. She keeps me in line, to an extent, and I loosen her up as much as I can get away with. We fit, you know?

"Ashley, you should probably come inside now."

“Shit, yeah.” Her voice alerted me to the fact that I had been just standing in the hallway, spaced out. I do that I lot, I’ve noticed. I overthink everything, and my brain often runs away with itself, leaving my body behind. I scurried inside, carefully closing the door behind me.

Jessica was already sat on her bed, shoes off, legs crossed. She looked considerably more composed than I did. Avoiding eye contact, I wiped my palms on the thighs of my jeans, and kicked off my trainers, neglecting to untie the laces. Cautiously, I climbed onto the other single bed, and mirrored Jessica’s pose.

We were quiet for the longest time. All I could hear was our very deliberate breathing, and it was so awkward. I don’t think I’ve felt so uncomfortable around Jessica in the whole time I’ve known her. But she said it back, you know? We were supposed to follow that with a heart-wrenchingly beautiful exchange; we’d talk it out for a bit, before falling into each others arms, sharing a perfect kiss. God, who was I kidding? That sounds ridiculous, like something Jesse would say; I can’t believe I even contemplated that things would work out like that. I’m such an idiot. Christ.

“What’s the little smile for, Ash?”

“I wasn’t even aware I was smiling … I just -- this isn’t what I expected, I guess. I don’t have a clue what to say to you, and I hate feeling like this.” _There we go_.

“Have I done anything to make it difficult?”

“God, no! Not at all. It’s just me. I keep struggling with words. I didn’t know how best to bring this up, and … I was scared. What if I say the wrong thing? What if -- ” A breath. “What if I lose you? I don’t think I can handle that.”

I thought it would maybe be a relief, to get that worry off my chest, but it didn’t help in the slightest. I kept my gaze low, and picked at my fingernails.

“I'm not going anywhere either, Ashley. Alright? I promise.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course I do. I also meant what I said about you being the most important person in my life. I don’t really know what this is, Ash. I mean, am I gay? Do I just have feelings for you? It’s confusing, and that bothers me. I need -” Jessica trailed off, with a loud sigh.

“Logic? Something tangible?” I offered.

“Exactly!” Jessica’s eyes lit up as she continued on her train of thought. “I struggle with romantic notions, you know, fate, destiny, love at first sight, _that_ sort of thing, due to the logical nature of my brain, and the way I think. Or maybe I think that way so I don’t get overwhelmed by my emotions? I really am unsure about that, to be honest. Either would be entirely plausible. But despite all that, you ... Ashley, you are a constant, in amongst all of these unknown variables.”

It was unusual, hearing Jessica talk at such a length about Us. It wasn’t that we never talked, because we did, all of the time, about so many different things. The nature of our friendship, however, was always so unspoken, and just taken to be, without any sort of question. We never “just decided” one day that we were from then on best friends. If I remember rightly, I think it was my mother who first called us that, when we were eleven.

But that’s what we were. I had Jessica, and she had me, and we stumbled through school, together, inseparable. Things changed over time, obviously, and Jessica became more than just my best friend. I fell in love with her. It took me over two years to finally admit that to her, and I still spent nearly six months skirting round the issue afterwards. But here we were, talking about it for the first time. It was all quite unsettling.

“What do you mean, unknown?” I twitched, nervously, flashing a quick glance across to her.

“Exactly that, Ash. I just don’t know. All of these feelings are so _confusing_. I mean, sometimes I want to take your hand and make you run away with me, but other times, I just want to grab you and kiss you, I think. And what does that mean? I have no idea, except that I feel things for you.”

I let out a soft laugh. “Well, at least we’re sort of on the same page.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, before Jessica finally spoke again. “I think that I want to try this,” she began, hesitantly, “ _Physically_ , I mean.”

It took me a moment or two to pick up on her emphasis and realise what she was hinting at. Before I had a chance to even consider the prospect, Jessica had moved from her own bed and was perched on the edge of mine.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, Jess? I mean, it’s so -”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” she muttered. I wasn’t entirely convinced by her conviction.

“No really, we don’t have to do this, Jay.”

“Shhh, please, don’t speak.”

“I -” Jessica placed a finger on my lips again, mirroring her earlier action.

“No, Ash, I mean it. I want this, so badly, but if you talk too much, I’ll have time to think, and I might change my mind. I don’t want to do that.”

I simply nodded in response, reluctant, but not wanting to make this more difficult for Jessica. I moved one hand from its slightly awkward position on her hipbone and carefully nestled her jaw in my palm. I brought her face closer to mine, slowly, until our lips were almost touching. This wasn't something I wanted to rush, and I paused for a few moments, letting Jessica catch her breath.

She took me by surprise when she made the move, closing the gap between us. The feeling of Jessica's lips on mine was like nothing I had expected, not that I had a lot to compare it to. She was soft, and gentle, and the hint of peach in her lip gloss drove me wilder than I had anticipated. I let out a breath, and briefly pulled back, this time allowing myself a moment of composure.

My eyes met Jessica's for a second, and she flashed me a sly grin, something I'd never seen on her before. She looked … lustful, I think. My spell of calm was short lived, as Jessica led me back into the kiss. This time it was deeper, full of want, and I'm almost certain I heard her moan softly as my tongue quickly grazed her bottom lip. It was intoxicating in a way I never thought possible.

Somehow, we ended up wrapped up in each other, the duvet dishevelled around us; I don't really know who made the move down to the mattress. Things escalated rather quickly, into desperate grasps at the hems of our t-shirts, and into slightly aggressive holds on the back of our necks as we kissed. I led Jessica down onto her back, and our legs tangled together, the friction caused by our jeans making the movement slightly awkward.

A pause for air from Jessica allowed me the opportunity to place a trail of kisses along her jaw line. She offered up a short, receptive moan, and I took a little comfort from the sound. I was nervous, and a little uncomfortable: the arm I was resting on going slightly numb, but knowing that Jess wasn’t hating the situation made me feel better.

I had no idea what I was doing, not really, but as I continued to kiss the soft skin on her neck, and as she used her legs to pull our bodies closer together, I felt a slight surge of confidence, despite my inexperience. I was conscious of the beat of my heart, loud between my ears, but ignored it, allowing my free hand to wander. I traced my fingers along the sliver of Jess’ stomach that lay exposed, tentatively creeping upward, underneath her shirt, towards the curve of her ribs.

I thought nothing of the sharp intake of breath from Jessica, not initially, but when I felt her body tense beneath mine, I knew something wasn’t right. Her shoulders were stiff, and I noticed that her hands were no longer resting on my body. With my legs on either side of hers, I used my forearms to prop myself up, and hovered over Jessica. I moved some stray hairs from my face with a shake of my head, desperately trying gain some insight from the expression on Jessica’s face.

Her eyes were screwed shut, and her breath was ragged. I glanced down at her hands, which she’d balled into tight fists. It hadn’t taken much, but Jessica was no longer comfortable. This was not okay: these were all warning signs. I had to do something, before she started to have an attack.

“Open your eyes, Jay,” I said, quiet yet firm, “It’s only me. You can look at me, okay?”

It took her a few moments, but Jessica eventually opened her eyes. Her gaze met mine, and she didn’t look too glazed over. I was content that she would be receptive enough to my calming words, and I carefully moved myself to the space beside her, laying on my side. I was probably closer than Jess would have liked, but there was only so much room on the single bed. Watching the rise and fall of her chest as she exhaled, I gauged the irregularity of her breathing.

“Jessica.”

Her head tilted towards me slightly in response: _Yes? I’m listening_.

“I need you to take a deep breath, okay?”

“Why did you stop, Ashley?”

“Don’t speak, just slow down. Please.”

Jessica sat up suddenly, and I wobbled, almost rolling backwards off the bed. She stood, probably too quickly, and began pacing, fists still clenched.

“Just answer my question. Why did you stop?”

I eventually managed to straighten myself up, and now sat on the edge of the bed, facing her. I was getting an odd sense of deja vu, watching her as she walked back and forth. “You’re stressing, Jess. You were uncomfortable, and I could sense that this was coming. I thought it was the right thing to do.”

“I told you it was fine. You didn’t need to stop,” she muttered, frustration in her voice.

“It’s not fine, though, is it? This,” I gestured haphazardly between the two of us, “was obviously too much, and -”

“Jesus, I’m fine.” Jessica cut me off, her sense of anger more evident as she spat out the last word. “You don’t need to protect me me, or decide what’s best for me, you know. I can look after myself, and I said it was fine!”

“What about me though? Did you ever think about how I’m feeling? Do you think I want to be kissing you, and touching you, and have you react like that, like you don’t actually want to be doing it?” I responded, sharply. The bitterness in my voice took me by surprise, and I felt bad about being so harsh with Jessica, but now that I had started, I found it difficult to stop. “You just want to power through this, and I understand that sometimes you need to fight how your anxiety makes you feel, but, how can I be certain that you won’t just regret this in the morning?”

“Ashley, that’s not-”

“Not what, Jessica?” I interrupted, starting something of a tirade, “I care about you so much, and I just want our first time to mean something, to both of us. I don’t want you to be forcing yourself to sleep with me just because you think it’s the right thing to do in the circumstances. I want you to be comfortable enough with me and with whatever our relationship is so that you don’t have to force the physical side of it.”

“Stop, please,” Jessica sniffed. Her eyes pleaded with me so earnestly, and I wanted to oblige her, really I did, but deep down I knew that I needed to get all of this out into the open. Too often I would skirt around Jessica, too afraid of pushing her anxiety over the edge.

“No, I need to be honest with you. I love you, Jessica, so much, and I’m ecstatic that you feel the same way about me, but we’ve only just had that conversation. It was literally less than an hour ago. We didn’t need to be doing this tonight, you know? Surely you can see where I am coming from?”

Jessica never gave me an answer to my question, and I turned round just in time to the bathroom door slam shut. “Shit,” I cursed. I hadn’t even realised that Jess was starting to get worked up again. “I’m such an asshole.”

Sighing, I made my way over to the door and tried the handle. Locked, of course. I half-heartedly rapped my knuckles against it, knowing full well that now she had shut herself in there, there was no way I was going to get Jess to come back out. Defeated, I slumped down to the floor and sat with my back flush to the door, my head clunking against the wood as I tipped it back. I sat in silence, straining my ears to hear Jessica sobbing. I guessed that she was slumped over the toilet, on the edge of throwing up, and I felt myself overcome with intense guilt.

“Jessica, please, let me in.”

I tried to get Jess to talk to me a few more times, and at one point I did contemplate trying to break down the door, but my lack of physical stature and financial repercussions took that idea off the table. Instead, I was left to guard the door, tortured by my penitence and regret. Ultimately, I was the reason Jessica was in there, distraught, and I don’t think I’ve ever been more angry with myself. I was supposed to be there for her, like I had been so many times previously, yet somehow, my own stupidity had orchestrated this whole fucking mess.

Eventually I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I remembered was waking up with a stiff back and a horrific crick in my neck; not the most comfortable of places to get a night of sleep. I strained my eyes in the soft glow of the bathroom light, and glanced at my watch. Five thirty in the morning. _Wait, the door. Where’s Jess?_ I thought, frantically. She was no longer hiding in the bathroom, and I spun round, hoping that she hadn’t wandered off while I’d slept.

“It’s entertaining watching you panic,” a soft voice whispered from across the room.

“Jess,” I breathed, my eyes locking with hers. She had moved to her bed, and was hunched under the duvet, knees tight to her chest. “I don’t think entertaining is quite the word I would used. I was worried that you’d left.”

“I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me.”

I simply hummed in agreement. Biting my tongue seemed sensible, given the consequences of my earlier outburst.

“Ashley. I am sorry, really. And I know we need to talk about this. But -- I don’t think I can right now. It’s still … too much.”

“I understand that,” I replied, honestly. I shuffled on the spot, very aware of the fact that things were still awkward between us. It was like we’d regressed back to the aftermath of New Year, when I was dancing around my feelings, unsure of how to talk to Jessica. “I think I’m going to just go to bed. Grab another hour or two of sleep before we leave, you know?”

I fumbled about the room getting changed for bed, still wrestling with my bitter remorse. I had no idea how we were going to progress past this, and it worried me. What if, despite our obvious feelings for each other, it was never going to be more than that? And what if that shift in dynamic meant that our friendship would no longer be as strong as it once was? All of my worries from New Year came rushing back, and I couldn’t help but wonder if this whole thing had been a mistake. I crawled into bed, and screwed my eyes shut, willing sleep to come easily. I didn’t have the strength to deal with the anguish. It could wait until a more sociable hour.

“Ash?”

I let out a sharp breath, hoping to dispel my irritation before I spoke. I just wanted to sleep. “Yeah, Jay?” I’m not sure if it worked, though.

“Can you come over here? I’d like it if you were closer.”

I took a few moments to compose myself before glancing across to Jessica. She was still sat upright, like she had been when I’d woken, and I used the opportunity to look at her properly, rather than avoiding her gaze. She looked a mess; her eyes were puffy, and there were smudges of make-up round her eyes that she’d obviously missed when she’d washed her face. Or maybe she hadn’t bothered washing. That would have been just as plausible. I felt another pang in my chest, and reminded myself that it was my fault that she was in such a state. I wanted to be stoic, and say that I only obliged her because I felt bad, but that would be a lie. I wanted to be closer just as much as Jessica did.

Dutifully, I padded across the room to her bed, and we spent a few minutes awkwardly rearranging ourselves. There wasn’t a great deal of room, but eventually I felt comfortable enough. Jessica nestled into the crook of my arm and draped herself across me, our bodies touching at every possible point. I responded by wrapping one arm across the back of her shoulders, and gently running the fingers of my other hand through her hair.

“Ashley?”

“Jess.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, a sense of finality in her voice.

I knew she wasn’t just referring to the fact that we were sharing a bed, and while it didn’t put me at complete ease, I stopped thinking that I had made a mistake. Somehow, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me ages to write, and I'm sorry for the wait, I guess. Massive thanks to [Carley](http://archiveofourown.org/users/viewfromthe34thfloor/) for helping me work out the kinks with this chapter.


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